SIGH! i have lost the battle against myself again. many said it is just a gauge to determine where i stand but the outcome will somehow affect my morale. i am depressed.
the same question was thrown back at me today. i was stunned. without thinking, i slammed her back. i was thinking of it on my way home. i understand her worries. she does not want to see any man left behind. how would the situation be like now if i had made a different decision then? would i be happier? i dont know and i dont wish to think about it. since i had decided a few months back, i should just stick to my decision and look ahead. it's the last month to go and it will be a waste of my effort to let it go now. now, i cant do much but just hang in there.
sometimes i just hate myself. why do i keep failing myself? have i not learnt my lesson and felt the greatness of disappointment 2 years ago? why cant i just get things right for once. have i pushed myself to the wall yet? what is wrong with me?! i hate to be a loser. nobody wants to be a loser. what can i do? just drag me and pull me along, friends. dont mind about the physical injuries i may suffer along the way. slap me when i am falling asleep, kick me when i am slacking. i will thank you when i emerge victorious.
as what dingod said, we are in a business cycle. there are points along the curve when there is a recession or a boom. i cannot expect myself to be enjoying constant boom throughout the whole year unless i am a genius. i am just unlucky to face a recession now. let's hope we will have a boom in nov and it will bring smiles on our faces in feb/march next year. as quoted from pee's blog, dont look down. look up at the clear blue sky after the rain and i will see a rainbow. as long as the phenomenon exists, there is still hope for everyone. look up, shoulders back, arms at the side.
PS/ gracious is never found in my dictionary. i dont believe in luck and i will not depend on it anymore!
"stay strong, win the race"
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